Dear Library,

First of all, let me allow you a moment to thank me for returning twelve books on time. I know I still owe you twenty bucks from the last go round, but there's no need to send the coke-bottle glasses clerk after my pinkies. You'll get your money.

I'd like to apologize for the grease stain on the cover of Once Upon an Ordinary School Day. (Let me mention that I despise this book. Nobody should have to say the word ordinary that many times in ten minutes. It's maddening.)

The butter was an accident. It was almost a bigger accident for me since I didn't see the lady in the red Camry slam on her breaks right in front of your building until it was almost too late.

All of the books were stacked neatly on the passenger seat and ready for deposit in the curbside book-eating receptacle underneath my buttery, toasty breakfast when Ms. Camry decided to break-check me.

Anyhoo, all the books ended up on the floor, but the annoying Ordinary School Day book saved my buttery toast from getting bespangled with bits of mulch and straw wrappers from the floorboard of my car.

So. Sorry about the boring, buttered book. And listen: before you sick Ms. Coke-bottle glasses on me, just keep in mind the time I "returned" our own copy of Angelina Ballerina's Birthday Party. I'm sure there were others that sneaked under my radar and into the library book pile over the years, so let's just call it even.

Sincerely,
me

ps- The reference section is starting to smell like bums and cornflakes again, so you might want to change the plug-in pretty soon. Just so you know, people besides bums still like to look stuff up. Thx.