Dear Sam,

Hi, It's me- your mom. First of all, I'd like to say sorry about the fried green tomato sandwich last night...I got your message about how it made you feel. Hope the Tums helped you more than they helped me.

I was hoping to give you a little heads up about what to expect when you finally come out of me in a few weeks. I know you've been listening to bits and pieces of your family's life from inside your warm, safe spot inside my belly, but there's a lot more that goes unsaid I think I should let you know.

That little voice you hear singing into my belly button is your big sister. We call her Ladybug. Or Looloo or Cady-loo. You can come up with your own little epithet for her if you'd like. She's open to most anything apparently- I called her Bing Bong the other day and she thought it was hilarious.

Ladybug really likes to sing made up songs about you that sometimes end up really being about Hannah Montana or Cheetos. That is her way, so when you're out here in the world, just play along and smile like we all do. It's easier and makes her incredibly happy.

Another thing about your sister, she is a sensitive and sweet thing who is capable of annoying the crap out of you and making you feel warm and fuzzy all at the same time. I know. Weird. The other day she tearfully said, "you never play with me," and that kind of pissed me off because I do play with her.
I'll admit to turning down Candy Land regularly now because it is a serious time-sucker. Even when I let her win. Anyway, then she hugged me and told me she wished I never had to do chores anymore so I could play and I almost melted into a puddle at her little feet in the same second I was rolling my eyes at her.

She loves you already and she can't wait to teach you things like reading books and how to buckle your own seat belt. Those are her specialties right now. Who knows what will be added to the list once you're actually here.

The dogs are another powerful entity in our home. I'm sure you've heard them. The big one only barks when she's sure the little one is barking at something legit, ie- people at the door, people or dogs in the field behind our house, fake-out knocks on just about anything at all. All the other times you hear the little one barking it's probably at the fish-tank light snapping on or a horse, chicken, or dog on television. Don't worry, I'll try to keep Animal Planet off the T.V while you're napping.

You probably haven't even realized we have a cat. Well, we do. His job is to get white hairs on black clothes and black hairs on white clothes. That just about sums up his life.

Lastly, there's your dad. He's the one making all those farting noises while we're trying to sleep. Just be thankful you're on the inside and can't smell yet. He is really good at a few other things that you should know of, though. Like making me cry in the middle of the day by sending text messages about how glad he is that he married me and that we made you together.

He works very hard at his job to make life easier for me and Ladybug and now you, so we like to show him how important he is in our lives as much as possible. This show of appreciation is most usually doled out in small portions such as kisses, hugs, and encouraging words. It's really not all that complicated. You'll catch on quick.

Like I said, he works hard and still musters enough energy to make time for his friends and family every chance he gets. His family means the world to him and sometimes he gets a little sad that they are spread out around the country instead of right here in our neighborhood. He loves them and misses them a lot.

So now you know he's a sweet guy, but I haven't told you about his brain. It's a good brain with quite a few correct Jeopardy answers inside. It also contains a weird variety of American and World history facts jumbled with vast knowledge of computer software and hardware information that I won't even pretend I understand. He thinks logically and analyzes most situations until he is satisfied with the outcome. Look up the word patience when you get a chance...
This quality usually makes me insane because it means a twenty minute web-adventure about cooking a one inch steak on the grill when I'm starving and just want the damn thing cooked. He meticulously arranges the charcoal briquettes in perfectly soldiered rows facing the "right way" and sets his phone timer to flip the meat. Although it ensures delicious dinner on every occasion, it gets my friggin goat. It's dinner- not rocket science- and should be approached as such.

By now you're thinking you're doomed to live with this crazy person for the next eighteen years of your life and call him Dad. Well don't panic. We've been doing it for years now and we're just fine. You get used to the details and soon enough you'll understand that all his research and fine-tooth-combing the small things in life really just means that he wants to make everything as good as he can. And that's not a bad thing. It's quite wonderful when you think of it that way, actually. So maybe give him a break if he starts folding your diaper origami style for maximum absorption or explaining to you the history behind the spoonful of sweet potatoes you're about to enjoy at the Thanksgiving table.

What you really need to know about us is that we love each other to the max. We aren't perfect people and we don't all think the same way about life and stuff, but it's understood that THAT is the exact reason we all fit together so beautifully. We enjoy pancakes on Saturdays and bumping into each other in the kitchen and bathroom. Our bed is the nicest place to spend a Sunday morning and our backyard is good for blowing bubbles and getting grass-itchy.

We have been waiting a long time for you. Not just the idea of you, although Ladybug has been wanting a playmate for a long time, but YOU. So take your time, but hurry up. We'll love you. We already do.

You won't be disappointed.