Friday, October 9, 2009

the delusionaire

I think maybe I never had any friends. Real friends. The kind you tell your secrets to and feel confident you won't be betrayed. There are people out there who won't judge you for for leaving your husband. Or for getting so drunk you cry some nights listening to Bob Dylan records. There are people who will come back to you over and over after leaving you or will just never leave you at all. People you never wonder about. Does she say I'm boring when I'm not around?
I don't know any of those people. I think I never have.
My friendships are like dandelion fluff. They hold solid to a stem and then with the gust of a wind scatter. Some cling to each other in their path and others just drift on their own. But they're mostly gone now and I feel like a patchy-bald weed miles away from anyone who knows or cares enough to make an effort.
Phone calls reveal that what we once had in common is gone and we're just going through the motions trying to find something else to talk about. And then someone stops answering. Stops returning messages. And I'm the one reaching out for something that only seemed like it happened. Brokenhearted in a way. And it makes me feel stupid.
I care too much about this. I only started thinking about it because I'm going back to work Saturday and I realized that practically my entire group of friends will be there. And maybe I'll have to keep in mind how far away I feel when I start falling in love with all of them again.
Just to be safe.

7 comments:

Octohawk said...

man, this hits pretty close to home.. good metaphor with the dandelion

101 Days Until Baby said...

It breaks my heart to hear this.

I feel maybe most of my "friends" are like this, but I really would like to think that I have at least a couple who are not.

I graduated from college, moved away, and had a baby while a lot of my friends are still there and none of them have kids so I guess it won't be too long before I start to figure out whether or not the ones I think are "real" or not.

I hope so! And I hope for you that you really do meet a "real" friend because they are kind of amazing...

Mme Paulita said...

hear you loud and clear

Megameghan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Megameghan said...

I'm pretty sure I'm not the best friend you could ask for. And I know you put me into the "Does she say I'm boring when I'm not around?" catagory, because you've said that to me before. But you should know, I have never thought a bad thought about you. (Except in new york when you were mean to me.) I know we don't have the kind of best friendship you have when you are 13 and exchange best friend necklaces, but I have bought you a unicorn necklace with your name on it. And I hold you the highest on my totem pole of people in my life.

The thing is, I'm pretty sure if I wasn't a real friend this wouldn't have just hurt my feelings. And it wouldn't have made me want to walk there at 4:15 am in the morning, push Jed off the bed, to give you a hug just to prove it. And you know me, I hate hugging...

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

Meghan. By the time you'd have arrived here, I would have been up making breakfast. And coffee.
So next time you should just do it.

:o)

JG said...

@mega

"And it wouldn't have made me want to walk there at 4:15 am in the morning, push Jed off the bed, to give you a hug just to prove it."

... wait, what? why the hell are you pushing me off the bed? what'd I do? I have to live with this woman, don't you think I have to deal with enough abuse?

btw, you wouldn't have to push me off. our king size could fit your buck-oh-five ass too.