Thursday, December 17, 2009

yesssss. stuck my finger in poop already and it's only noon-thirty.


Okay. This is so going where you think it is, so if you prefer to keep your sausage biscuit in your belly, look away.  It's just. that. horrific.

After I dropped off Ladybug and friend at the bus stop a few miles away {yes, miles}, I arrived home and discovered Bubs had a shitstorm in his diaper.  So after I handed him to JG and scrubbed the crap from under the new wonky finger, I changed his pants and threw the dirty poo pants on top of the toilet in the bathroom for swishing.  I washed up, kissed JG buh-bye and it was about that time when Bubs started pawing at my shirt for some boob-juice and we settled down in bed for a little nuzzle time and fell asleep.

The diaper waited for me.  They do that.  And usually, I am right there swishing the poo into the crapper as soon as the fresh Fuzzi Bunz hits his sweet cheeks, but he was hungry and we were sleepy and then I just forgot about it.

Best nap ever.  We both woke up smiling and happy and he burped a milk burp when I sat him up and we laughed and Carol Carpenter sang "close to you" in the background. Beautiful.   A moment so pure and strong can only be ruined by a dog.  She came out of the bathroom licking her black wormy lips all smiles and waggy tail with this pep in her step like I haven't seen since the last time she rolled in dead things.  So I totally knew something was up. 

I know you're saying what I was saying.  {oh no she di-in}  Yes. She did. Dogface found the crappy diaper and had herself a little snack.  I kicked myself all the way to the bathroom and surveyed the mess.  Three poopied wipes (we cloth diaper and cloth wipe, and no, we aren't pretentious ass-holes about it) ((wait, does saying that make me pretentious?)) and a blue diaper were on the floor of the bathroom.  Licked. And now there was not only poop in the diaper, but also all over the lid of the toilet seat and the floor.  And Dogface's tongue.

I will spare you the details about cleaning up.  There was disinfecting involved and a whole lot of Dogface's nose poking in asking for seconds and me saying {git the eff outta town, Grossy-grosserson}.  And then there was a conversation with JG about it on IM from his work.  I'm red.

hello biscuit butt
when bubs took a nap, i fell asleep, too. and raven was busy eating shit out of his diaper.
12:15 PM
are you serious?
thats so disgusting
omg. i wish i could say JK
did she eat it all?
no. i wish.
was it all over the place?
i mean, if she's gonna lick it, she might as well lick it all, right?
so. i wonder if the prunes (because it was soooo prunes) are going to be as effective for chope as they were for Bubs.
12:45 PM
thats funny
i hope not
hopefully she doesnt puke
1:00 PM
that's a double whammy
poo puke

Okay, I have to totally ignore the fact that he didn't use apostrophes in his conjunctions.  I am tempted to put them in. *deep breaths*  

Okay. Here's the real kicker: Her breath actually smells better.  But I'm still thinking Santa may not bring that dog-snuggie her-highness put on the Christmas wish list this year.  

wah wah wah wahhhhhhhh.



JG said...

So I don't always capitalize, put proper punctuation, or put in apostrophes in my instant messages. I do in work emails though.

maryanne said...

SO glad I don't have a dog right now...

Stephanie said...

I have been loving your blog from afar the past couple of weeks for no other reason than I am a bad commenter...but this was too funny. And something my dog would totally do. I am so grossed out. And I need to put that on my reminder list when I have kids. Keep diapers out of reach. LOL

Octohawk said...

this was great. i'm guessing his breath smelled better because, as the marshalls have told me, newborn crap smells like fruit loops. every time i go clean out the litterbox, my dogs have typically beaten me to it. cat shit dog breath isn't so nice.

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

Maryanne: you don't even know how lucky you really are.

Stephanie: She really thought it was delicious. So-so sad.

Stone Fox said...

this post brings me back to the good old days. the good old 'shit everywhere' days of yesterday. literally, yesterday. i have been up to my eyeballs in shit. i WISH my dog would get on that, because it sucks cleaning it out of the carpet. and the times that my dog has actually eaten poo? her breath reeks and it gives her the nastiest gas. ick. so, could i maybe borrow your dog-u-cleaner the next time my kid yanks off her pull up and smears poop on the carpet?

Megameghan said...

Awesome layout Mrs. Gresham.