Tuesday, June 22, 2010

To whom it may concern…

Dear Butt,

Please stop itching.  I really hate that you happen to have come in contact with poison ivy/oak/whatever last week, but I really can’t be seen scratching you with such fervor as is needed while I wait in line at the grocery store checkout with a bottle of calamine lotion and bananas.  Give the steroid pack Dr. Eyebrows gave us a day or two to kick in and everything will be just dandy. 


ps- also, lose the dimples. can’t you tell i’m not fat any more?


Dearest Ladies,

Thanks so much for being great about that poison ivy.  I promise you both that the weirdo third nipple looking blister will be gone shortly.  It’s oozy and just gross, so pretend you don’t even see it.  That’s what I’m doing.  And doesn’t it feel nice going braless these past few days? Right on.

Luv ya,




You and right earlobe need to get together and come up with a good story because I’m pretty sure the baristas at Starbuc*s googled ear herpes after handing over that sympathy latte this afternoon.  Not looking good.  Hang in there.  If butt and boobs can do it, so can you.  Also, stop craving chocolate cake. 





I washed you today.  You’ve never looked worse, but you smell like a dream.




Flat Abs,

Lookin good, guys.  I talked to lips about the cake thing. I know they don’t make it easy for you.   And don’t worry.  Hardly anybody at the pool noticed those festering blemishes all over you.  They’re practically like beauty marks.  With pus. Still, good job on the looking fit.  *high five 

Your friend,




I know there’s a lot of pressure on you lately to tone it down and act a little more civilized.  It’s bikini season, so you understand.  I can’t have things and stuffs poking out all willy nilly or else little kids might point again and ask if we have {spiders}.  That was the pregnant summer.  I could didn’t see you for months.   Also, who invited that white hair to the party?  Pass the word around. No white or gray.  That shit’s for Betty White.



ps- Thank you for not touching the poison ivy. Seriously. Thank. You.


Molly said...

laughing out loud here ...

Christine--RHP said...

yeah, lolz--
(sorry for your discomfort--I've heard tea tree oil helps)

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

Laughing my ass off...

"Dear Butt, please stop itching..." is classic!

Great post!

erin said...

That shit's for Betty White, yo.

I've never had the poison ivy and now I will never go in an area with any plants whatsoever ever ever again.


furiousBall said...

poison ivy is why i stopped believing in Santa. Not to get into details but let's just say mall santa -> whiskey -> unseen plants -> crowbar -> Lohan ankle bracelet

em.s said...

i need to have a good conversation with myself too!

Beta Dad said...

Now I'm all itchy. Thanks a lot. I can't believe I let you use my phone.

You might enjoy this video by my bro-in-law and his partner (in comedy, not gayness [although there may be some crossover]) about gray pubes.


They're actually going to be on Comedy Central tonight (well tomorrow technically--2:30 a.m.) on something called Atom TV. I think? I don't have a TV so I don't know about all that stuff.

Captain Dumbass said...

Wow, all you need now is scurvy.

Miss Yvonne said...

I would hate you for having flat abs, but I won't until after your poison ivy has cleared up. I can hate someone all oozy.

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

Molly and Christine- I'm sure it's {with} me and not {at} me. Right?

Brahm- Sometimes it's best to go about these things more formally than an email can offer.

Erin- My advice is to know what it looks like and then just don't touch plants when you go into lush settings such as Florida State parks. It's just too risky. Unless you're wearing a hazmat suit.

F-ball- There's no Santa? WTF?

em.s- If you can't be frank with yourself, who can you be frank with? Frank doesn't count.

betadad- Okay. I watched that several times because it's hilarious, it's relevant, and well...i can't figure out the part where there's uh...brown stuff...on his tighty whities. Help me out. He's your family.

Captian- The doctor ruled out scabies and several other ideas. scurvy, it cannot be. for eeeeyyeeee am full of vittaminn seeee.

MissY- hate on. it took me a year to lose that baby weight. i was so sure he was a seventy-pound kiddo. i was like, seven what??? what the shit is all this other stuff?

Anonymous said...

Ok. I'm laughing too hard to even type... so funny... too bad, but at least you got a good post out of it.

Christine--RHP said...

no dearie, I'm laughing at the dialogue--I've never had poison ivy, but I've heard it makes for some serious misery..

Will Burke said...

This should certainly be listed in your Greatest Hits!

Mo said...

Shit like this reminds me why I have to come back more often.

Big Mama Cass said...

LMFAO!! ::dies::

Fantastic letters!! I think I snorted a few times reading it!!!

erin said...


Living Shallow, Living Well said...

Ha! I need to tell my breasts to grow a cup or two. I'm not sure they are listening.