To whom it may concern…

Dear Butt,

Please stop itching.  I really hate that you happen to have come in contact with poison ivy/oak/whatever last week, but I really can’t be seen scratching you with such fervor as is needed while I wait in line at the grocery store checkout with a bottle of calamine lotion and bananas.  Give the steroid pack Dr. Eyebrows gave us a day or two to kick in and everything will be just dandy. 

Thanks,
me-

ps- also, lose the dimples. can’t you tell i’m not fat any more?

 

Dearest Ladies,

Thanks so much for being great about that poison ivy.  I promise you both that the weirdo third nipple looking blister will be gone shortly.  It’s oozy and just gross, so pretend you don’t even see it.  That’s what I’m doing.  And doesn’t it feel nice going braless these past few days? Right on.

Luv ya,

me-

 

Lip,

You and right earlobe need to get together and come up with a good story because I’m pretty sure the baristas at Starbuc*s googled ear herpes after handing over that sympathy latte this afternoon.  Not looking good.  Hang in there.  If butt and boobs can do it, so can you.  Also, stop craving chocolate cake. 

Thanks,

me-

 

Hair,

I washed you today.  You’ve never looked worse, but you smell like a dream.

Sincerely,

me-

 

Flat Abs,

Lookin good, guys.  I talked to lips about the cake thing. I know they don’t make it easy for you.   And don’t worry.  Hardly anybody at the pool noticed those festering blemishes all over you.  They’re practically like beauty marks.  With pus. Still, good job on the looking fit.  *high five 

Your friend,

me-

 

Bajingo,

I know there’s a lot of pressure on you lately to tone it down and act a little more civilized.  It’s bikini season, so you understand.  I can’t have things and stuffs poking out all willy nilly or else little kids might point again and ask if we have {spiders}.  That was the pregnant summer.  I could didn’t see you for months.   Also, who invited that white hair to the party?  Pass the word around. No white or gray.  That shit’s for Betty White.

Thanks,

me-

ps- Thank you for not touching the poison ivy. Seriously. Thank. You.