Monday, July 26, 2010

don’t say sh*t, kids…


If you give a dog some goat cheese, he’s going to shit on your floor. 

When he shits on your floor, you’ll probably be making lunch in the kitchen, so your toddler will “handle” it.

When your toddler “handles” the dog shit, he really handles (and foot-les and um… mouth-les) it.

When he handles, footles, and mouthles, the dog shit, you’re going to want to carry him at arms length and grab your computer on the way to the bathtub so you can google “oh shit my kid ate dog shit what the shit do i do??????”

While you’re bleaching soaping up your kid in the tub and googling what the shit to do with my shit taster, you’re going to want to scream at the other two kids in the house to stay in their room because you said so that’s why.

If you tell these two other children to stay in the room because you said so, they are naturally going to come out and ask you “what smells like poop” a dozen times.

While they come out and ask you “what smells like poop” a dozen times, you’re going to scream over your shoulder that anyone who comes out of the room again will not get the lunch that’s burning in the oven and you’re bound to forget to put a diaper on the bathed toddler before you trap him in his own room with a baby gate to commence the de-shitting of aforementioned shit-room.

While you’re cooling burnt pizzas and lysol-wiping poop off of the floor (ice-skating style), you’re going to want to heat up your steam mop and put the shitting dog outside to…well… shit some more outside.

While the shitter is shitting outside, you’re going to steam mop the  whole floor and sob-sing the lyrics to “rainy days and mondays always get me down”.  (Through clenched teeth.)

While you’re singing, the kids are going to come out to ask for their burnt pizza and the toddler is going to pee on his carpet.

If the toddler pees on his carpet, you’re going to want to blot that. 

While you’re blotting, kids are eating blackened pizza and  asking what is for snack.

While you’re blotting and telling the kids that they can eat each other’s arms for snack, your toddler is stirring the toilet with a wii remote.

If your toddler stirs the toilet with a wii remote, you’re going to want to blow dry the remote and practice your shocked and surprised face for when your husband discovers it smells like toilet and may not be working.

If you’re blow drying your wii remote, you’re going to want to turn the dryer on your toddler to dry up some of that snot and drool.

Once that snot and drool is dry, you’re going to want to kiss him because he doesn’t know that dog shit’s gross or that toilet water is not for stirring with game system remotes.

While you’re kissing him, you’re going to notice some dog shit in his ear… and on the freshly mopped floor.



ps- felicia bond, if you’re reading this… i love your books. 


Mme Paulita said...


I'm not laughing at you

Molly said...

With you. We're laughing with you.

And also crying a little bit for omgI'vebeenthereexceptIdon'thaveaWIIbutyouknowdittoforalltherest

Miranda said...

Love it!!! So funny. It sounds like a day in my world.

Bailey covered the cat in cat shit, Pulled down and crashed are Flat Screen, while I was searching for my keys that she hid from me. (By the way, I still can't find my keys)))) Gotta love them!!!!

Octohawk said...

Wow. You are 1,000,000 times the woman I am. Seriously.

Mandy said...

Felicia Bond never wrote anything this hilarious. And clearly she doesn't use potty words enough.

Pearl said...

All excellent advice, well written and colorfully described.

You almost make me miss those days.



McGillicutty said...

This is the funniest thing I've seen in ages.... sorry... i feel your pain but we are now thankfully beyond those days... and this too shall pass.

D'Arcy said...

Wow, I not only laughed out loud at this (very quietly, as my kids are sleeping in the next room) I actually have tears!!

I arrived via Irregular Tammie, who I discovered via a friend of mine. If this is what I can expect, I'll be back!

Little Girl Big Glasses said...

100% pure awesomeness.