Tuesday, July 20, 2010

So I wrote this in May. Whadda you care?

There was a time in my life when I could get in my car, alone, with just my keys and a wallet and drive somewhere.  Far or near.  My only worry was if I had enough gas money to get me somewhere good because who really cares about getting back when there's a just a cruddy apartment and a shoddy burrito joint awaiting  my return? 

If I got in my car alone today, I'd be leaving my children somewhere.  If we assume Ladybug is at school and I add a baby to the backseat, that's more like it.  And there's a baby, so that must mean at least a diaper. (Because you can't leave home without at least a diaper when you have a baby.) And if he poops you need wipes.  Like a ton, because you don't want to get poop-fingers.  And you certainly don’t want this scenario on your hands.

So now we have baby, diapers, wipes.  Oh, and something for the baby to eat or drink because this baby I'm talking about is always hungry.

Try carrying the baby to the car with your keys, a diaper, some wipes, and some sort of nourishment for the baby all in your hands. 

*You're good.

Now open the door.

HA!  Gotcha.  Go get a bag for the stuffs.  It doesn't matter. A plastic grocery bag works, but I'm partial to a tote bag since I have plenty hanging around.  And while you're in there, might as well grab a granola bar and a diet coke for yourself since you'll get hungry watching the baby eat Cheerios whenever you get where you're going. 

Ooh. And go find your MP3 player, too.  For the car.  And shades.  It's totally sunny today.

Okay, let's go.

Wait. You have to pee.  You could put everything down somewhere, including the baby, but then he'll just go trying to climb into the bath tub or rifle through the bag you just chucked everything into, so maybe just hold him while you pee. (Don't worry, I do it all the time. It's fine.  Babies love these little bonding moments.)

So pee, wipe, flush and wash your hands holding the baby and then scoop the bag with the junk up and we're ON OUR WAYYYYY!

Ooooh. You forgot your phone.  See. In the nineties, we didn't need to take a phone with us everywhere because there were these things called pay phones for emergencies.  And if someone needed you, they called your home phone- which was connected to the house with a cord- and if you weren't there they would leave a message on a tape in a machine meant for this.  You'd have to wait until you got home to see if someone loves you or needs you to give them a ride to the airport this weekend.  It's just how it was.

But now I feel naked without my phone because what if my car breaks down and I need a tow truck, but the nearest pay phone is blocks away and/or (but probably and) has diseases?  What if he does something cute and I need to record it on my phone camera and send it to everyone I know?  What if?

Unless you’re going to walk to the mailbox.  You’re going to need stuff.

Ugh. I despise stuff. Who's with me on this?

6 comments:

FabuLeslie said...

So true! I can still pretty much go anywhere with just wallet and keys, and if I take the dog that's still true 'cause I can just bring the dog. And her leash. And her water bowl because it's 150 degrees out there and she could overheat. So, yeah. Not quite like a baby, which is partly why I have no baby.

Funny post!

Joy said...

I feel ya on this one! I put my baby directly in the child seat in a Walgreens cart today (no seat cover) and felt like a criminal. So I went back to my car and grabbed my sunglasses. So I could be a bad parent incognito.

birdlime said...

not to mention a payphone is a good .75cents to a dollar now!!

Surly Scott said...

So why leave home when there is a burrito joint nearby?

erin said...

That was one of my main motivations for not having any more children. They still have tons of stuff, but I make them hold it. If they lose it, it's gone. ha. I'm horrible.

That and bundling up a baby to go out in the cold. I hate hate hate doing that.

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

FabuLeslie: dogs and babies are similar in many ways, though. they both get stinky and need to be fed and watered while on the go. good call on the portable potables.

Joy: GASPPPP! I don't own a seat cover. I put him directly in the seat every time. Moms steering their babies around in carts precisely covered look at me and WISH they could be so stuff-free.

Jesslime: I hate to admit that I've turned my car around nearly half-way to my destination just so I wouldn't be without my telephone for the day. I need it.

Scott: I happened to work at the particular burrito joint in question. And... it was the equivalent to the booze joint you mentioned seeing Kevin. So. Yah.

Erin: I have this sort of discussion with Ladybug before going places.
Can i bring my blah blah blah
Yes, but you carry it.
Nevermind.
I've raised a lazy.