Friday, March 19, 2010

Your car: Just like your bed…but leathery and with a parking break.

I’m officially counting down the hours until JG returns from this week’s work trip. I flipped the switch to survival mode late last night when I turned down the baby monitor and watched the lights for ten minutes praying to the flying spaghetti monster that Ladybug wouldn’t be disturbed by the whiny-mamamamaing and pitiful cries of my now NINE month old son.

I’m not going to complain today because I think I might’ve overdone it in a text message at 2am to JG. Something about not making it to the summer this way and maybe I mentioned a new addiction to zoloft…. it’s all a little hazy.

The good thing that’s come out of this whole shitty I-work-in-DC-and-live-in-Florida thing my husband has started doing is that I’ve really pushed myself to limits I never knew I had in me. Quite frankly, I’m more resourceful than you are. Read and learn. Jot down some notes. I don’t mind. It’s me, but helpier.

I have been sleeping in my car. Out of necessity, of course and not leisure. It started Wednesday after I barely made it to the school to drop off Ladybug. I sat at stop lights with my eyes all squinty and tried to sing show tunes to keep myself awake. Nobody does “All That Jazz” like I do at eight am. When she was safely in class I peeked in the rear-view mirror to see my green-snot-sick baby sleeping like…well like a green-snot-sick baby. You know, encrusted in chartreuse, pouty lipped, and making little whimpers here and there to punctuate the whole mess. And I thought maybe I would wake the little snot-ball up to give him a taste of his own medicine, but changed my mind when I realized I could drive to the nearest Starbucks in peace if I let him sleep. I’m a kind and selfless mother.

In the parking lot of said coffee place, I had an argument with myself.

Me: go for three shots today. we’ve never gone that far, but I think we’re ready. do it.

Me: um. but then i’ll have the jitters.

Me: who the eff cares? it’s either that or nap at every red light from here to home.

Me: Those weren’t NAPS. They were long blinks.

Me: yeah. whatever. let’s go.

Me: but he’s sleeping so hard he’s snoring. and he won’t go back to sleep if i wake him up now.

Me: damn. we need this coffee. you know it. i know it. just be quiet and careful when you get him out of the seat.

Me: like that ever works. why don’t we just take a nap here.

Me: here? like in Starbucks? people will stare. we have too much pride to be mistaken for a hobo and someone will call the cops if you leave the snotball in the car.

Me: no. I mean HERE. *starts cranking the seat back

Me: oh. HERE. haha. you’re stupid funny.

Me: I’m so serious right now. *yawn

Me: don’t even. people will park next to us and think….

Me: what? think what? that poor woman and her baby are so tired….

Me: I don’t know. It feels desperate. *yawn

Me: we are desperate. just go with it.

Me: but where’s your pride? only drunk people and degenerates sleep in their cars in random parking lots.

Me: this isn’t random, it’s Starbucks. they have wi-fi. there’s an app for this.

Me: Fine, but as soon as he stirs, we’re up and in drinking a latte. *yawn

Me: juz a foom la noonoo *drool

Me: *drool

Us: *droooooollllll.

One hour. That’s how long we slept in the car waiting to get a coffee. Today was an hour fifteen, but I came straight home and did it in the driveway with the windows down because, hey…it’s a beautiful morning. Then I woke up and he was still asleep, so I started up the old wagon and headed to the drive-thru for some “wakeup feelin” (that’s what my mom called oj when i was a kid, but it works with coffee so go with it).

Now look at me. It’s almost two o’clock and I haven’t thrown a shoe at the dogs or smacked myself in the face ONCE. It’s like I have this whole up all night thing in the bag. Like I’m kicking its ass and taking its name. Like I can just stay up all night and sleep in random parking lots or driveways when I get tired and my eyes get nappy at traffic lights.

Yeah. Like that.


Christine--RHP said...

omg--been there, done that. I feeeeeeeel your pain. I wish I woulda known about drinking green drinks for energy when my young'un was keeping me up all night in the 7th circle of teething hell. I'm not a healthfood nut or anthing, but those green smoothies are kinda like cocaine--but in a good way.

Regina said...

I understand the nap and all. Moms gotta do what a moms gotta do. After all, how unsafe would it have been if you had fallen asleep while driving, and what kind of mother would wake up a child that wasn't feeling well and lacking sleep the last few nights.
Why not just take a little "Cat nap"?
Anyways, onto starbucks. One of my little secrets, ok maybe not a secret, my co-workers and family are onto me. I have a starbucks addiction. Every day, like clockwork... Iced triple grande caramel mocchiato with extra extra caramel sauce.
So next time, try the triple shot. Might make your hair crawl on your arms the first few times, might get that tickle on your scalp, but it's a great rush.. I get the sugar rush as well as the espresso rush.. double whammy! so expect me with a heart attack here soon! anyways just do it.. it's fun!

Octohawk said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who smacks myself in the face. I have to drive all around for work, and I often almost fall asleep on the Turnpike or I-75 and have to smack myself repeatedly to wake up. It's a good look, especially since I'm in a government vehicle.

Tony said...

Awhile back, when I lived in Oregon, I locked my keys in my apartment, and the super wasn't there. You know where I went to sleep? A 24 hour Starbucks.

Will Burke said...

Your Starbucks doesn't have a drive-through? At least one per block should, that's just civilized.

Anonymous said...

That conversation was brilliant.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Parked cars are so restful. All warm and toasty, with the soft hum of passing cars soothing you, like womb sounds. With the reclining car seat like a mobile Craftmatic© adjustable bed? I don't blame you one bit.

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

Okay. I don't live in a city with a 24 hour OR drive-thru Starbucks! What the hell? I need to move to a place that can support my caffeine habit.

Just Jules said...

seriously!!!!! I have done the exact exact same thing! but worse cuz I live where we live in deathly cold temps,like kill you cold - 32 below cold (that was a negative sign infront of the 32, not a dash).

So I am in the van after baby class and three kids are sleeping under 1, 2, and 3 yrs old. I am pregnant. I leave the van running in the driveway and sleep in the van. It was beyond worth the gas and carbon footprint and all that crap!

This was just one of many sleeping in the car times. do what you can to survive and not harm yourself or your kids, during these times.