Wednesday, August 18, 2010

in which my naughty bits get a makeover and my sister-in-law gets the last laugh.

When I get nervous, I make jokes.  I’m usually pretty right on in the humor department and some of my friends’ friends even refer to me as “that one really hot friend with the kick-ass sense of humor and large yet shapely feet”.  Yes, they say that.  All of it. Exactly like that, too.  I’m intriguing. And I have lovely arches.

i digress.

There are a number of recent situations where my nerves got the better part of me and zingers just flowed from my mouth like stuff that flows out of other things really easily.   I’m not as great at analogies.

Last weekend, as a suggestion from my sister-in-law, I found myself laying naked from the waist down with a paper towel covering my lady bits in a room the color of Grover and the size of my bathroom.  And there may have been fake flowers.  I think the sign outside said WAXMANIA or WAXI-MA-CALLIT or WAXTASTIC.  I can’t remember exactly because what happened in the Grover room was so traumatic that I blocked everything immediately before it out of my mind forever except for these words,

:::You’ll be fine:::

FINE, according to some people, means a woman wearing rubber gloves will use an obscene amount of baby oil on the parts “you want to keep” and then smudge hot wax that sort-of-feels-nice-but-don’t-you-tell-anyone-or-i’ll-hunt-you-down-and-SoHelpMe on the parts you want to lose and then rip them out in smallish sections until you’re holding your breath and sweating like a fat man pedaling a tricycle on the beach.

I got a bikini wax.  The kind that women from Brazil go for because apparently, I can be talked into anything if frozen yogurt and/or margaritas are part of the deal.  And let’s just say that getting my lady-parts waxed has been placed ever-so-carefully atop the list of situations that make me nervous. 

The proof:

Waxing Chick: just relax and butterfly your legs for me

me: oh. um. okay.

WC: are there any parts you want to keep? like a strip or a triangle?

me: how good are your cursive J’s?

WC: the first one’s are always the worst because the hair is so coarse and thick.

RRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

me: sweetbabyjesus

WC: you okay?

me: {squeak}

WC: but after your second or third time, it’s so easy. the hair is fine and comes out easier. you’ll be addicted.

RRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPP

me: i bet this is like crack to some people….how long does it take?

WC: about twenty minutes

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPP

me: is that bit supposed to come off?

WC: i think it’s much more difficult when the men get it done. they have a lower pain tolerance.

RRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPP

me: and more to lose.

WC: and you’ve obviously had kids, so your tolerance is probably way up there.

me: what do you mean obviously?

RRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPP

me: is it hot in here?

WC: you need a break?

RRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPP

WC: because I can give you a minute

me: no, i’m good. if you pause for more than ten seconds, i’ll end up looking like an emo asian kid down there.

WC: good. we’re almost past the hardest part.

me: great. that’s wonderful news.

RRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPP

me: you could really use a where’s waldo poster up there or something.

WC: that’s a good one.

RRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPP

WC: people always suggest we get televisions, but where’s waldo is a great idea.

RRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPP

me: yeah. it will take people’s minds off of strangling you.

WC: hahahaha.

RRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

me: really.

RRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

WC: okay. almost done.

me: really?

WC: time for the backside.

me: hahahaha.

WC: it’s way less painful

me: hahahaha.

WC: hug your knees for me.

me: hahahahha.

WC: are you okay?

me: fine. *sigh* but I usually require at least three glasses of wine for this sort of business.

WC: you’re funny

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

 

Longest story ever. And then I proceeded to run into every vagina-high counter corner for the next 24 hours. 

 

And I’m cold. 

24 comments:

::Hannah:: said...

I laughed about 1,000 times reading this! You have some serious witty banter skills. You could be on Gilmore Girls =]

Oh, and I'm never getting one of those...

--ginger. said...

You had me at vagina-high counter corner. No--sooner. WAXTOPIA. Excellent special sharing. Love it. Laughing outloud while my husband does the dishes.

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

I can't get over the hugging your knees image in my head!
Yikes.
Signed,
Hairy Beast.

Deborah said...

OMG. I made it to 60 having escaped that torture. Then again the swimsuits of my youth were cut differently. Still I think I could/would have held out. When do you go back for a touch up? Hahahaha. Oooo, that's just mean.

Octohawk said...

I was going to say I know exactly where you went, but I forgot you don't live downtownish.
I had a funny encounter last time I went, wherein the waxer lady told me if I came regularly and didn't shave in between that I probably wouldn't have to get drunk before going to be able to deal with the pain. I tried to explain to her my single girl rationality that lets me gauge how much money I'm going to spend and how much pain I'm going to incur by the likelihood that I'll be having sex in the near future. She seemed uncomfortable. I was the one spread eagle over a butt-shaped sweat mark, but she was uncomfortable. Pfft.

Tammie said...

this sounds like assault.

now that i live in oregon, i dont really have to worry about body hair because there isnt much call for bikini wearing around here. unless i go on a tropical vacation. which i decided while reading this that i never ever will.

Will Burke said...

I swear, I'm nearly crying from this! I am so refering my wife and some female friends to this!

Candance said...

OMG, I'm so glad Will suggested this because I'm laughing so hard right now! Awesome story!

Little Girl Big Glasses said...

Bravo for your courage, no amount of alcohol has gotten me to do it. However, that may be because the wax place here is called "The Screamin' Peach."

Rue de Vamp said...

ow girl! I have gotten bikini but have never done the brazillian. I found that places that use hard wax are a lot better then the strips of paper

dorska was my word verification

Another Day of Crazy said...

The place on my corner (which I've never been brave enough to try) is called "The Pretty Kitty". I kid you not.

Wow, that was awkward said...

What a nice way to start off my morning. A chai tea and reading about your vagina. Cheers!

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

Wow. I guess if you want comments, you should post about your vagina. Or was it the pain?

@Hannah- The Gilmore Girls are wayyy funnier than I am. And that little one's only like ten, right? Ugh.

@ginger- when you're void of good stuff to write about, you have to delve into the pits of your soul. or pants. whatever.

@Peggy or peg or Margaret- Yeah. I think I'll stick to hugging knees only when babies are coming out.

@Aunt Debbie- For all the words I wrote down about it, the experience will never be captured properly. Unless there's lots of ^@(#*@&(@^$&#^'s.

@Octohawk- Hahahaha. I should've checked for a butt shaped sweat mark! Doh. Next time. Maybe.

@Tammie- I haven't worn a bikini in months. I just liked the part where someone promised I would have to "peel my husband offa me". The irony is, Aunt Flo came for her visit later that night. WTF?!

@Will- thanks for the thumbs up. i made JG read it before i hit publish just to make sure he didn't throw up. i know men are squeamish about "these things".

@Candance- welcome. sometimes i wonder if new people who stop here on my TMI posts ever come back. I DARE YA!

@little girl- Screamin Peach! That's what this place should have been called. Or Screamin Anus. Wait. never mind. Let's stick with peach.

@Paulita- The ass was the easy part. (that's what she said).

@Pickles with eyeballs- I always love seeing your pic here. Reminds me of that video from the song that goes {it always feels like somebody's watchin meee}. Except with pickles.

@wow- You're the brave one. But what with the promise of vagina in a blog post...it could go either way. And a guy's gotta take a chance, right?

Miss Yvonne said...

WAXI-MA-CALLIT

Best. Store name. Ever.

l'ananas said...

If I ever decide to add waxing to my list of beauty regimens, I want it to happen just this way. Will you come with?

FabuLeslie said...

Oh my goodness. You are too funny!! I have missed reading your posts... 'You've obviously had kids so... obviously??' hahaha. Great great post.

Molly said...

FABULOUS! I was just thinking what's up with Stephanie, she hasn't posted for ages ... then I realised I hadn't checked my reader for ages and then I did and then I read this and then I was all like Oooooh, THAT's what's up with Stephanie. Ha ha ha ha. Cold! Ha ha ha ha ha.

Lora said...

ha! I'm giggling at my desk!

You know that commercial that talks about the lies women tell ourselves, and that "you just have to get used to waxing" is one of them? Yes. It's a lie.

I gave up on waxing, mostly because of the pain and the tsk tsk-ing that was done if I shaved between appointments and the comments like "it will get better" or "yikes! you shouldn't let this go so long"

And I LOVED my waxer. It was the waxing that was bad.

So bad.

fine little mess said...

the one and only time i had a brazilian, the girl was on her cell phone the whole time. what do you think the person on the other end of the phone was thinking??

"bob" (IS AWESOME) said...

hahaha

grafic....

Ron in Florida (Ronald10021) said...

Great story. But after Aunt Flo, was husband pleased? I would be ecstatic if my wife waxed her full bush--just once. God I love cunnilingus. But doing it on a bare ----- would be so delightfully different.

Ron in Florida (Ronald10021) said...

Is it wrong of me to be curious how exactly the waxing discussion came up between you and your sister in law?

And did husband eventually get to enjoy it?

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

did your husband ENJOY IT? so so so inappropriate. i also am awake 4 hrs after i said was going to bed on fb.

PorkStar said...

LMFAO this was one hilarious post!

I was mildly uhm... turned on (sooo very sorry) with the visuals.. with all due respect.

You should know it is not easy for men to find a place for brazilian waxing.