Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Thanks for the screws, Craig.

Sometimes I have to breastfeed in public. People should get over this fact and carry on with their own public-type business. I'm not doing it to gross you out or to call attention to myself. I'm doing it to nourish my growing child. Duh.

That being said, I can now add giant home improvement warehouse to my list of worst places to breastfeed. That's right. In an attempt to get my husband motivated to help me re-seat our patio chairs, I decided to pick up a power saw at Lowes. Only men go to that store on weekday mornings, apparently. What kind of men? Construction worker-types of course! So not only was I the only female customer trolling the power tool section at ten a.m., but I was dressed in running shorts and a tank top, which might as well have been a bikini.

Hello, lookie-loos. They're called breasts and they feed my child. Ugh.

So I get this long schpeal about electric saws from an eager-to-help, but pleasant older gentleman named Craig who assures me that my brother-in-law (employed by the Dewalt company) doesn't need to know I chose the Hitachi because it was twenty dollars cheaper and pretty much the same.

Blah, blah, blah, Craig- I just want to get out of here before this little nugget in the buggy wakes up and starts crying out for nums and I have to whip out my tata for an epic suck session while half the members of Men At Work ogle and drool and contemplate a sudden craving for milkshake.

We head over to the nuts n bolts and stuff and Craig fishes eighteen screws to match the rusty one I brought in a ziplock and then we're haulin cart to the hall o' wood.

Craig: It's a four-ba-four. Should be 'nuff.
Me: Sounds good, I'll take it from here, Craig. You've been swell.
Craig: Well, not so fast. This one here'll cost ya fourteen and I can cut you a four-ba-six and it'll only be eleven. It'll just take a minute.
Me: uh. Okay. If you have a minute, sure...
It was at this point I should've grabbed my baby and walked away.
Craig: Hold ya ears, folks.

Power saw cutting my four-ba-six was incredibly loud and took an eternity to "measure twice, cuttt once". Sam woke up as soon as the first saw tooth splintered the first centimeter of wood and suddenly I'm yelling at Craig that I'll be right back and furiously searching for a section of the store not crawling with men talking about pipes and screws so I can yank up my sports-bra and silence the poor starving baby who just had brunch a short hour ago.

Plumbing and flooring were both a no-go since that's where the Marlboro Man convention was meeting. A spackle-speckled group of men in the paint department waved as I hurried my cart past and I'm pretty sure I spied "Eldin" lost near the garden center. I started to panic and quickly turned a corner into the cabinet and kitchen display area where I was at last alone.

Shirt hoisted, baby quiet. Ahh. Craig was going to have to wait.

I feigned interest in a drawer and cabinet set as I held up my son and wondered where I'd feel more comfortable doing this.

Here or Hooters?

These patio chairs are going to rule.