Tuesday, January 12, 2010

read along as my blog spirals out of control. or how i once took my husband's advice.

When my husband helped me redesign my blog layout I was charmed by the purity of the result, but mildly concerned that it was too "white". Because, compared to the green background and lady legs poking out of the bathtub of yester-month, it is a little subdued. The minimalist thing was my just me trying to push myself into a pattern of mature blogging that- let's face it- just isn't going to happen. To make up for the austere facade, JG suggested I add more color and photos and {pizzaz} into the content of the posts. I've been a pretty lazy blogger since the holidays had me busy spreading cheer and goodwill and shit, so this will be my first attempt at snazzin' up the place. Don't trip over the fancy.

I don't usually talk about previous relationships on my blog. Mostly because there haven't been that many, but also because I am terrified anything I say about any of my past boyfriends will get back to them and they will... i don't know....cry? Yesterday, my husband sent me a photo of someone who reminded him of one of my exes because he loves to bring up the fact that I dated the strangest, most self-absorbed man on the planet. {see? wouldn't that make you cry? even if you ARE totally self-absorbed and mostly drained of all human emotion?} More on that photo later.
Anyway, I have not always had such exquisite taste in men. I've dated guys who wore football jerseys every day and sometimes even cut one off at the belly button to {work out in}. At one point, I broke up a short relationship with a guy because he had really curly hair on his head, but completely straight pubic hair. I don't like to be confused and i can't stand when people use my hair products so that was over before it really got off to any decent start. A soccer player once caught my eye and that lasted the duration of a summer. He had a nice rump, but wore too much Dolce and Gabanna cologne to try and cover up the smell of grass that wafted from him like stink-circles around Pigpen. There was a New Yorker in there somewhere. During college. He was pretty normal and I seriously wouldn't want to hurt his feelings by writing something personal about him like how he used to smell his socks after he took them off and abandoned me one night when I had food poisoning because he couldn't stand the smell of throw-up. I also dated someone who doesn't know he's gay. I didn't know either at first, but now I do and I hope he figures it out before he does something crazy like marry a woman. He, too wore shirts cut off at the belly button. But not for working out.

Those were the main ones*. I went on a few dates in between that didn't turn into much or anything at all. But one time... one time I met a person who will I will forever be mocked for dating. No male that knows about this relationship is ever able to let me live it down. Maybe because of the really tight pants he wore (before it was hip). Or perhaps it was the twelve-year age difference. It could've been the number of other women he secretly dated while we were together. But most likely, it was just because he was the evil ruler of Mongo.



You see, according to the Wikipedia entry on my ex boyfriend and cruel pursuer of the beloved Flash Gordon, Ming the Merciless "is known to keep a large harem of willing and unwilling women that serve his needs.... Those who attempt to escape his harem are sold as sex slaves to others as punishment."


If you know him, you're nodding. Aren't you? You are.


Sure, he's infamous and probably rich beyond my wildest dreams now, but when it comes down to the heart of a relationship you want someone who can tear himself away from the "science fiction gadgets" and robots and stuff and just hang around on the couch in pajamas watching the Notebook on TBS.

Hold the phone.


Was it Ming I dated or Duff from Ace of Cakes?






Ugh. I can't tell. Bald men are so similar. I hope it was Duff.


I just love cake.



* except Ladybug's dad. i can't write mean things about him. he owes me money.

12 comments:

deanna said...

This is a masterpiece.

birdlime design and photography said...

ohhhh. please let it be duff... did he wear his hats too big back then too?

Mme Paulita said...

haha..you are killing me

The Panic Room said...

You surely heard me laughing all the way over here in Orlando right? Such a funny post.

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

@ ryan: you're just laughing because you know who i'm talking about. and you mock me. you mocker.

The Panic Room said...

I am laughing because it was so well done and YES of course it is because I know him. He was a great villain for Orlando.

Mo said...

Um, there is nothing - and I mean NOTHING - wrong with wearing football jerseys. Not the half-cut ones, since those are just gay.

JG said...

I just want to apologize to Duff for comparing him to said d-bag ex bf.

My word verification is "immandu". That word means, sharp booger, which I currently have in my left nostril.

Deborah said...

If I ever learn to copy DVDs I'll send you my greatest find ever. TWO Flash Gordons. Yep. Original cheesy and Mingafied.

Phil said...

And to think I thought you threw in the towel on this kind of stuff. This is the best yet! If LJ only knew...

L.R. M-J said...

Holy Hell you're funny. Yea, don't go getting all mature on your blog...ruin it for the rest of us!

Anonymous said...

Wish I wasn't such an idiot back then, and that I could have, I don't know, talked you into not dating him. I'm sorry about a lot of things from then. Sorry that we weren't friends.

-Your former roommate